Running Red Momma

Although my children are getting older, I still like to sneak up and cuddle them while they sleep. I watched my five-year-old fall asleep as I cuddled him. I couldn't believe how big he is becoming. These were the same hands I held each night when he was in NICU. The dimpled, fat hands have been replaced with mud, cuts and nails that need clipping. If a genie lamp had been there at that very moment, I would wish to hold each child as a young baby for one more long time. As I sat there pondering the brevity of it all, I got weepy. I have tried to relish my time as a mom, yet it can be so fleeting. Tears were quietly falling on his blanket as I looked at him. Suddenly, he turned gave me his firecracker smile and started picking his nose. Did he know just what I needed to stop crying? Yup, I got up, removed my hands and got on with my life.

My brother sent this picture around to my family last night. He then explained it was how I (me) would look if I had been raised by red-necks. After a tired week of kids, I got a big horse laugh from it. Some family members were concerned I would be hurt by it. But, if you knew me in my glory of youth, I did have a mangy beast of crazy hair. One friend called it a brillo pad. The look was complete with glasses and braces. Yes, I did bring science fiction novels to dances. Bring on the jabs of my looks a long time ago! I earned it. Thank heavens you can have a good chuckle at your past. It makes me feel a little more mellow and self-confident. If only my 40 year-old-self could come talk to me as I stood against the wall at dances. Now, I just need the 80 year-old -me to laugh at my 40 year-old and to remind her to get over the small stuff and take each day easy.

I have been cleaning while listening to a cd about babies. The author explains how his wife never looked as beautiful as she did while giving birth. As Mother's Day was here, I thought I would be obtuse and ask my husband if he held the same sentiment. Really, why do we do this? "Does this make me look fat? How do these pants make me look?" Or, the best, "Do you like this haircut?" So, I pushed and pulled wondering how my husband perceived this day. " Maybe husbands need to see their wives looking different to look beautiful. I always find you radiant," he said. And on it went, until in a nutshell, it really was more like "you looked like hell and totally relieved to have that baby out of there." I realize I was stupid for placing my husband in one of those dammed if you do and dammed if you don't scenarios. I just wanted the truth. I got it. We laughed at how ridiculous I was--yet I think I was definitely looking for the lie. I...

I only have four kids. But, little gets done and my standards are low. This is pretty much a typical day right now: 2:30-3:00 am Feed and care for baby 5:00 -5:30 am Feed baby 7:00-8:00 am Breakfast, spelling tests and the constant phrase "get dressed, get dressed!" 8:00-9:00 am Feed baby, walk around with screaming baby, finally feed him a bottle, wonder if he is done nursing 9:15 am call neighbor ask how her kids quit nursing, get really sad that youngest is already getting older 9:30 play blocks with 3-year-old 10:00 try to get dressed and hope teeth will get brushed and I will get a shower 10:15 school principal returns call--discuss needed improvement in math program 10:30 kindergarten pick-up & grocery errands 11:30 Feed baby, wonder if G's eyes look sick, should I go to doctor? 12:30 Research pink eye and make lunch for kids--keep calling doc office to get in to office, hold two sad kids on two knees try to not let pink eye touch the baby eye 1:40 Make doc ...

My three-year-old excitedly showed me her hand-out from Sunday School. Usually it is a bird, bug or cute picture of Jesus. When she showed me her super-hero, lavender all-over covered action figure, I was startled with some amusement. What exactly are they teaching my daughter at church? We support burqas as long as they are feminine? We believe a woman can wear a sword as long as she covers her face? We would like to force women back a few centuries? I am not the type to make an impertinent phone call and say "my daughter....." But really what was the lesson?

Years ago, I used to love a local radio program called the Chunga Show. My husband and I listened to it as we drove to our early morning jobs. It made the dark 6 am drive bearable. We thought we would be friends with him if we were to meet him. Music was new, edgy or entertaining. As time went on, the show morphed until I found myself not enjoying his personality. He became a strange parody of himself. The conversation was self-indulgent with plenty of name dropping. The music became predictable. Commercially driven. Eventually, I thought it would be better if he left the show. He was fired yesterday. At first, to my embarrassment, I found myself grinning. "Now, we will have some change!". However, the result was automated music. Tunes are picked by lists and corporations. Naturally the model will base itself on what is commercially safe. There will be no local flavor on politics or news. Instead, the dial, already lacking in diversity, grew more uniform. At first, gl...

I just got a new haircut. I looked awesome. It was blown-out and gorgeous. I then washed it. It had more grey than I ever remember. It didn't seem perky, curly or divine. It was frizzy and sad--just one more thing to poke me in the butt and scream "You are 40, HA!". Not only is the baby weight lingering. I have that soft middle, lady-with-a-brood-but-not-pregnant-look. I would like to say that this does not get to me. I would like to think of the women who have had greater struggles. Yet, I just felt crumpled inside. During this pathetic melancholy, I was cleaning and found some old photo albums. Guess what? I had frizzy, not so curly not so awesome hair. In addition, I had that great bag look of the 80s. Who knew what kind of body lurked in there? I guess I realized the outcome is the same as it was over fifteen years ago. So what if inside my head, I see myself like I am the mermaid Ariel? (bright red curly hair with a charming personality!) Most of my pictu...