A prayerful journey

Oliver's journey began a long time ago. I couldn't shake the sense we needed another child. Despite many valid concerns, I carefully prayed for a long time. Some of the story is personal, but the end note was a decision to move forward. The pregnancy was full of the usual complaints any pregnant woman would share with you. However, I was stunned by the ultra-sound revealing it to be a boy. I somehow had not made that part of my planning. None of our other health concerns became fact. However, a boy did bring up our fear of autism. (Boys have four times a greater chance of having it.) In our decision to have a baby, we had already discussed concerns of NICU, downs or autism. We felt that even if those events did happen that we should still have this child. In fact, our prayers would still be "answered."

Yet when I realized we were having a boy, I was nervous. As the months continued, I observed I had become quite ambivalent about having a boy. It is a terrible truth. It concerned me. In my last month, I pondered the nature of these feelings. I realized that I was very unsure of how well I was parenting my present boy. He has been a challenge and I feel my failures deeply. As this settled into my thoughts, I found myself sobbing loudly in the bathroom. I worried about my lack of parenting skills. Would they be up to the challenge? Would I screw-up or crack? This actually was a breakthrough for me. It helped me realize where those feelings were coming from. More prayer was part of the pregnancy. I prayed to trust my decisions and to trust myself.

He is now two weeks old. He seems like a gentle old soul. I really don't know what the future will bring. I find myself watching for signs of autism. Yet, I spend more of my time holding him and snuggling his sweetness. Although I felt like I was holding a sweet teddy bear, my husband was not so hot on naming him Teddy. We named him a gentle name of Oliver. It seems to fit what he feels like to us. I am trying to focus on now. His birth story seems too funny to add to this--so it will come soon.